What I would tweet if I still had Twitter

There should be provocative, uncomfortable "share a coke" names, like "Person I'm Cuckolding", "Just Acquaintances", "Person I Treat Nicely to Further My Career", "Unrequited Love Interest" and "Not My Son"

I will name my son Hubert, so that he grows up strong and stout-hearted, as all Huberts before him

Not nearly hot, funny, or interesting enough to talk as much as I do

They should make soda that doesn't have sugar or artificial sweeteners or acids. I believe that it would be healthy and taste good.

(explaining war to a 16th century margrave) so imagine a nuremberger

being a beautiful dainty woman in a tough, manly way

the slinger is kinda the only british-mexican fusion cuisine out there

thinking about a guy I saw the other day with a hat that said "the Dow Jones is down :("

gay Geese: Osiris of my life I'm giving you a reach around

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