Personal Happenings

11/6/25

Lots going on. I got big plans you aren't ready for. Haters trying to stop me.

10/15/25

In the middle of the woods lmao

10/5/25

Writing this at a college that I do not go to. Last two weeks have been a lot. Cleaned the whole house, decided to make a shirt, took photos of coneflowers in Forest Park, drew over them and ordered custom-printed fabric. The lengths men will go to to get a floral shirt of a flower they love. I have family that work for the US Embassy in Madagascar, and given the news, it’s been… interesting… to say the least. As of now, neither of the governments they work for are operational! The US government is shutdown and the government of Madagascar, currently led by a soft-dictator that gained power during an attempted coup, has been essentially frozen. I definitely had a worse week of work, though, definitely. The family groupchat has gone crazy over this, it’s funny to see people that simultaneously hold the opinions of “Thanksgiving ain’t American enough no more! Put the Christ back in Christmas!” and “American leftists are too peaceful, we must make the fascists pay”, I love my family. Went to Ikea and spent a lot of money, as I always do. Saw an amazing show at the Focal Point. The first audience song they sang was entirely in Scots. Brutal. I could talk details of the show for hours and hours. Had the Denny’s fish and didn’t get sick. Saw chipmunks at the zoo, they were everywhere. Went fishing, caught nothing but fed many, many geese, one that was more keen on me followed me around for a while. Birds are so intelligent and kind, I wish I could have a parrot without the fear of me dying and nobody wanting to take care of them. Work has been a riot, a real hoot and holler as of late. I played another videogame, ran for the first time in years, kinda told my boss I am going to quit, had some poutine, made some poutine the next day, more zouk practice, bookstore, record shop, blech. I am starting to physicalize my digital presence to help me feel like shit is real again. I am scheduled for two shifts next week that will put me at 16 hours of work in 24 hours. 7 hours between the shifts. All for a weird wine-and-four-course-meal corpo-rebrand party that’s the brain-child of our manager team, all quite well-to-do and very self-satisfied. They got the most anti-advertising, anti-branding motherfucker they could find to work this thing. There are so many great shows coming up at the Focal Point. No work tomorrow :D

9/24/25

Got clip-on earrings, let's go. It's finally humid and temperate enough for me to sleep with my bedroom window open and I'm loving every second of it. Feeling very my-mom-core as of late and thus desperately hoping that people can't hear the embarrassing music leaking out of my earbuds as I walk. Therapy has been... helpful so far. It's still hard for me to talk about more "core" aspects of who I am, but idk idk idk idk idk. It's funny having a cishet guy as a therapist and then almost every time I talk about not feeling masculine or questioning my sexuality he says "we". He doesn't do this when I talk about anything else. I feel ya, man. Writing a lil bit more, and doing physical art for the first time in ages. Feels real good. Bouzouki is coming along, getting SLOWLY more comfortable picking a rhythm considerably faster than what I'm singing. I have a couple "Zines" nearly "finished" but have no idea how people actually make these things look polished and cohesive. Made some very good dinners the past few nights, proud of myself in that aspect. Told a few people that I love them, something I am quite bad at. Will say that word more often in the future, I feel. "love". I think it's uncomfortable to me in that it's so defenceless of a word. When you express other emotions to people you can often fall back into saying that you were exaggerating, that it's fine, but you really can't go anywhere once you've told someone you love them. You have fully committed to such a positive stance, to a desire to see this person more often, to invite them into your life, to maintain a relationship even when other parts of life pull you away. And if they wanna make you feel weak or effeminate because of that, they're set for an easy victory. It's honestly beautiful the kind of complex emotional and social connotation one word can have. Got my hair cut by another person for the first time in about 4 years, and he did a great job. Touched my computer to play a video game!? What!? Next up is either Fallout or Chrono Trigger. Thinking a lot about the Missouri Coneflower. Crazy to me that such a beautiful flower is almost completely absent from any art or floral designs I've seen. I walked out my front door and was immediately assaulted by the absolute largest spider I have seen in Missouri scampering on my head. This lady was about 3 inches long! And she was an orb-weaver! I had no idea they could get even near that size! She decided to tear her web down and relocate, and I can't say I miss her little trap, though I was instantly fascinated by her. Work tomorrow.

9/18/25

Work is getting TOO bad, only working with people I can stand about 2/5 days a week. GET ME OUT OF HERE. haha just kidding. Had the realization today that in the past 2 years, I think I have started like 3 text conversations? I fear that if I text someone they will just immediately respond by sending a bomb through the mail. But on my end, I almost never open my phone, see a text, and am not happy to hear from someone I know. Going to start just texting people as if they want to talk to me, and if they don't, they'll let me know! I made some cider which turned out perfectly, just sweet enough with a well-balanced flavor. The mulled batch turned out too nutmeg-heavy but I love nutmeg so what the hell. I am a statue. Big fan of just being-around as an activity. Went to Flight-Fest at Six Flags, and boy are my arms tired. The camel crickets have disappeared, I am oddly sad to see them go. Burgerchef has been so excitable recently. 2 1/2 year old cat with the energy of a golden retriever. I love him so much but he really needs a lot of attention. Getting slightly better at the bouzouki, trying to get used to picking while singing and I feel like a newborn deer trying to walk for the first time. Will almost definitely not have this down by the next open mic, oh well. This entry is getting too long. Still haven't found good clip on earrings. Work tomorrow.

9/12/25

'Nother very weird week. Work is particularly bad right now, and it's actually kinda wrapping around to being funny? Since I get to go home at the end of the day and this place is still gonna be like that, I don't really care. Union Loafers is a great pizza place, I just want more provel. I am an STL vanguard when it comes to food. Second pinball club, getting slowly more comfortable being around more than 1 person I don't know at a time. Started therapy. I've seen a psychiatrist before, and didn't realize that the two experiences are indeed quite different. My therapist called me "bro"? Is this normal? Made about 5 quarts too much curry. This will be my diet for the next week. The camel crickets in the basement are so meek and furtive, there's only a couple down there and I feel bad for wanting them gone. I do my laundry downstairs and cannot bear the thought of any living being existing within 4 feet of my clothes. Need to find some good clip-on earrings, it's all I can think about right now. Work tomorrow.

9/5/25

I'm a very judgemental person. I need to stop being that way. Will be more vigilant within myself. Hard to think about but that's kinda been everything for me recently. Need to love more. Loving is difficult and unnatural for me. Weird week, all over the place. Stalked a deer. Wrote. Saw a movie. Made great pizza. Hurt someone very dear to me. She didn't even stay upset for more than 2 minutes. Why are people so much nicer to me than I am to them? How do I get that way to be nicer to others?

8/31/25

"Hell is other people" is a favorite quote of mine, not in the self-sorry misanthropic way but in the sense that other people having differing views on you and your circumstances is often the source of some of life's worst emotional pain. A young child can't hate themselves because they can't understand other people's views of them, and don't care how they appear to others. They aren't hurt when someone has different views on their relationship or place in the world. They are unharmed by other people's perception. Phones should have limited minutes again so that I'm not on a call for almost an hour. Bouzouki practice went well. Batch of mead finally finished, and it's quite good. Upstairs neighbors having the most jolly, enthusiastic gathering I've ever overheard. Very tired. Work tomorrow.

8/28/25

Too much goin on, work has been fine. Went to a warehouse opening I was invited to bc of work and it was very fun! Lots of great kitchen equipment over at Meridian. Been flip-flopping between going out and doing too much and then staying at home and kicking myself for not also having time to do woodworking, read, play games, make music, write more, paint more, yada yada yada yada. Resuming my degree soon, through an online program. Deciding to drop out of college is so 2020. I want to be more confident in who I am but who am I? In a weird funk, will grab a donut or something before work tomorrow and that will fix me. Is it worrying that I want to lose weight? I'm not unhealthy but I think that the skinnier I am the closer I am to not existing at all? Is that bad? Work tomorrow...

8/24/25

I LOVE BEING BUSY. Enjoyed seeing my first open mic last night and today played tennis in jeans for almost 3 hours before thrifting and finding nothing good. Fixed the fact that neither of my homes doors could lock or unlock from the outside lmao. Got more zouk practice in yesterday, none today, will do more soon. No work tomorrow. (cool dog gif)

8/22/25

Been thinking too much. I'll be fine, just need to slow down more often and stop acting like working on a million projects is rest. Very appreciative to see that everyone on here is quite kind and understanding. More zouk practice today. Getting pretty good with my jig picking, can now incorporate some little fills and smoother chord changes. Work was fine, back to it tomorrow.

8/20/25

Hewed a log with wedges to get some nice natural boards yesterday, was far more physically demanding than I expected. Got a few other woodworking projects up to their finishing stage, and drew some art for a few woodcuts. Today was a good day. Went fishing in beautifully clear water and watched as these bastards stared right at my bait and just pushed it around. Caught nothing but had a great time. I sometimes forget how much shame and silence was drilled into me as a kid until I try talking about something I feel is "wrong" or "unmanly" and start shaking and stumbling over my words. Will think on that. Work tomorrow.

8/18/25

Left work early. Love to see it. Was home for about 3 minutes before leaving and hanging out with relatives for 8 hours lol. Sometimes I forget how big and loud my family is when they're all together. It's the last night with my family coming from Madagascar, and I already kinda miss them. I love my family? Is that weird? I feel like I mostly hear stories of people with horrible family dynamics, but it's just nice to be around them even if we're all very different people. Had some amazing smoked brats with an inordinate amount of horseradish. Was the only cis cousin at the gathering, and had to repeatedly validate that I'm chill and love them lol. Very good day. No work tomorrow, it's finally time for projects. :D

8/16/25

Work was fine, long day at the making cold things hot factory. Went from ~8 coffees a day to just 1 (plus a little decaf guy), and god damn did I get home with such a headache. Having an addictive disposition towards even the slightest positive sensation is so silly. I hate that I'm becoming more like my father. Not that I hate him in himself, I just thought I'd magically not inherit any bad behaviors from him, but wouldn't you know it, all of that takes TIME and EFFORT, which is pretty lame. Couldn't practice today, tomorrow will be better. Work tomorrow.

8/15/25

Did very little, unforch. Finally worked out again this morning, and made a very good omelette. Realized I need to cut back on my caffeine consumption because I pre-brewed 2 cups of coffee, knowing that when I finished one I would still want another. Actual insane-o behavior. Also, a coworker pointed out that despite it saying nowhere on the package, the coffee hard candies I like have 80mg caffeine in them each. Who knew!? Work was fine, I'm realizing more and more that I love the people I work with but cannot stand my job, it's a very funny situation to be in. Had very last-minute plans to go fishing that got RIGHTFULLY cancelled, realized that I already agreed to go to a bar, which got rain-checked due to a friend getting stalked (they are safe now, just very scary today), and the only show that I'd want to go to tonight was fully sold out. So, I practiced bouzouki and wrote on here instead. Day was good. Work tomorrow. :)

8/14/25

Went to Grant's Farm in STL with some family visiting from Madagascar, was a nice experience to be with them, but I forget just how corporate and capitalist Grant's Farm is, as if doing huge historic rehabilitation wasn't bad enough. Sister's girlfriend is fine, just very quiet and distinctly very Americanized for a Belgian. The Darjeeling tea was amazing, so smooth, full, and smoky. Will definitely use up the rest of it quickly. Tried to stop by a spice store today since I found an old gift card I meant to use as, well, a gift, but forgot to give it. Turns out that just a month ago, said store changed their hours to opening two hours later, so I'll have to wait until tomorrow. Good day! No work today, but work tomorrow (gritting teeth angry face shaking fist emoji).

8/13/25

Got a Flounder today! I've completely wiped out all of my online presence over the past couple years, now without even Youtube on my phone I am left with my family Whatsapp and text messages as my only source of doomscrolling and ragebait. I'm happy about being on here, not only because it reminds me of my days spent on weird old forums as a child far too young to be on the internet unsupervised, but because I feel that I can more freely express my thoughts here. This post (thread? text file? not sure of the nomenclature) will just be personal ramblings about each day, or at least the days I remember to post something here. Of course, nobody is really expected to read this, just wanting to shoot my thoughts out of my head in a less violent, one-time-only way (joking of course), and the possibility of seeing it mentioned in another person's flounderings (that seems right) is, admittedly, fun. Today, work was fine; I was given some very fancy Darjeeling tea by a coworker, and will need to try it out tomorrow morning when I wake up. I had some leftover tiramisu from what I made last night and I'm still so happy that I managed to make a cream that didn't break. I live with my sister and her long-distance partner she has never met is flying in to stay for the next week. Should be interesting, to say the least.